eating my salad.
today, my mum put mango in my salad. It was cold, soft, sweet & sour all at once.
Then it occured to me that my waiting for something to happen is just like eating mango. There's this sweet anticipation to it, i can't wait to see the results. Then, it's also sour cos i can't really stand waiting...and the more i wait, the more i wonder if i'm really prepared for it all :(
Waiting is also like cold mango cos it feels so good in your mouth, but once it's gone down the throat, it feels the same as any other food tat goes down. It's also soft cos it so subtly lures you to wait, and many of us don't even know we're waiting; it's smooth to touch, like how it always feels better to say "I'm waiting." rather than "I have nothing."...but at the end of the day when you apply pressure to this softness, you find it's actually quite hollow and it gives you no answer, just comfort in knowing it didn't hurl at you an answer you're not looking for.

so while i convince myself i'm actually waiting, i'm fighting the doubt that i'm really not prepared at all.

It's 12. I'm pausing my work to write this, and planning to blog it tml, which is today that you're reading this, because my mind is in such a whirl when I don't even have any problems troubling me, so I'm not sure why I'm so messed up inside either.

Well, let's start with Friday, when my fuel and determination kinda *poofed* and the slacker me took over. I asked aman to gimme some comics to read and that's when I got totally ( really TOTALLY) hooked on the manga Parfait Tic!, and the main point abt the manga that really appeals is; there are 2 drop-dead gorgeous guys in it and they're driving me crazy: Ichi & Daiya...
Just to clarify, I'm not normally so easily gaga...I think it's just that I've been very deprived of comics and handsome guys, so when I got them both at once, my heart went on an overload.

So basically, I've been slacking from Friday all the way till now, Sunday night, and PLEASE DON'T GO. I've go many important things I want to say here.

Well, this morning started out fresh, with me resisting the urge to read parfait tic! scanlations before I go to chuch. I didn't go last week, and this month I'm on front-liner duty (hospitality...basically, I just go "HIIII !!! WELCOME TO FCBC! GOD BLESS YOUUUU!!!" all complete with my beautiful smile. Hurhur!) and whoa .. I really forgot the joy it brings when you see that ppl really do feel welcomed.

So, a breakdown of why I became deliriously happy aft church service:

1. Rose!
-Darling Jenna made me a paper rose! (haha, too bad no CK smell on this one, aman) It's deep red and…professional. Hmm. I bet she'd be damn good at making Ms & Gs...right, :p sidetrack. Well, I thought it was so sweet of her! It's no like we're best friends or something, but yet she still pushed herself to make something for me *tingle tingle goes my heart*

2. "You look good!"
:p hehe! That's what this guy said to me when I was doing my duty by the front doors. I never knew I could look good in an obviously oversided bright yellow and green vest & cap! Hehe. And he only said it to me when I was doing duty with 3 other girls. Ooh! Hurhur. Ego boost!

3. Just going to chuch :)
Just going to chuch today gave me this...eh. Joy. (almost foolish kinda joy, I'd say :) I don't know how to say it, but it's almost like an adrenaline rush that whooshes into you, and you feel like smiling at everything, even the trees and the walls! Just that this time it's not adrenaline. It stays for much much longer, and even when it fades off abit, and you forget, when you recall it, it surges back up, and you start smiling to yourself again.
Thinking of it...it kinda sounds like I'm in love (haha! In love with Ichi and Daiya, YES!) haha. Seriously? I think I've just fallen in love with God again~
And no...I don't mean to be preachy. Haha. I just really need to say these all out in words, so let me.

Remember how I asked God to show me himself in pictures?
He's already started. I came back from sch last Monday, and I walked past this patch of red plants by my lift. But a few of them actually glowed. To tell the truth, the first thing that came into my mind wasn't "Praise God!"
It was "Photoshop effects!!!!" haha. When I paused to examine, then I realized that the few plants that glowed was in the noon sun, and the rest were in shadows bcos of the clouds.
Then, God made a reference and said, "I chose you :)" (ya, I think he included that smiley face as well)
But of cos, dense me didn't exactly think it was God speaking then, I merely thought it was my inner ego acting Godly.

It was the same this morning (Sunday). The sky was really cloudy and it smelled of rain. The wind was perfect. I was walking to the station on my way to church ( and in my mind, Ichi & Daiya walked with me :P ). Then I saw this kite way up in the sky, and sitting on the large field beside chi garden was a couple having a picnic. And in my mind came a phrase, "All I want is to be with you." *pop* appears Ichi & Daiya's face, and I snigger to myself, thinking I'm so into my delusion I'm conversing with them in my own head.

So, I didn't really think of any of the above as God talking to me until I had cell aft church today and Rachel was talking abt how we shld learn to recognize God's voice. I didn't think of any of the above before writing this...before this, I was happily doing my animation and I just cldn't carry on. My mind was *whirlbuzzPHEET* and making sooo much noise you'd think I was thinking of Daiya.
"WRITE IT ALL DOWN!" I heard, and now I am. So yea :S those incidents popped into my head, and hey :) maybe I'm really starting to recognize his voice.

Rachel asked us today, what is passion? She targeted those who were attached cos she wanted us to be able to relate our passion for others to our passion for God. I secretly know the answer to my definition of passion right away, but I didn't speak. So here I shall. To me, passion can really be seen when the person's face just lights up when the other party/ topic is mentioned. For me, design is my passion. When I see beautiful things, paintings, typography, illustrations, I go "WOW!!! I wanna see that again!!!" and I know I light up.

Passion is when you can keep talking on and on about that person and never be sick of it. I remember I used to be crazy over Kenshin and once, in sec. 2 Jonathan Lai started talking to me abt it. My eyes went *ding*! And I blabbered & blabbered excitedly. Then he popped the strangest question. "Why don't you light up like this when you talk abt God?" and just in case you're wondering, he's not a preachy person to start with, and I was never close to him, so for him to rebut me like tat wld have been offensive and personal…
I think I didn't reply.

So now I ask myself this; when else do I light up? And of cos, I think abt when I see beautiful things like lots of stars, blue skys...so maybe in my own way, I light up bcos of God's creations, but I don't want to light up only when I'm alone with God anymore. I don't want to feel that joy & passion only when I'm in church. I want everyone to see that I light up for him wherever I go, and that I'm truly happy cos I'm happy in Him. Just like how many would dream of finding that special one; you'd go anywhere he goes, you'd do anything for him, all you want is to be with him. He's happy, you're happy.

Sing, o, barren woman! said God in the bible. (In my case, it'd be, sing, o, short, fat woman!)
It's 1am, Monday, I've written 4 and a half pages, and I'm gonna retype this on my blog tml~! I must be a damn special girl, Him showing me how he talks and so many things I didn't realize till I took up this pen. EGO BOOST! Haha :) God loves you too, don't worry! Listen.

all week. i've been animating once i reach home, late into the night, and once i reach sch. basically, i haven't done anything else except animate. it's driving me crazy~!!! RARR. (ok. just for now. i promise to go back to work aft i'm done whining)
i've drawn over 100 pages of ricesacks T_T but my animation is still like a fast-forwarded film. which means i have to draw more frames....T_T why oh why. i'm really starting to hate in-betweening. cheryl is so right when she said that we must work hard so that we won't be stuck with doing in-betweening the rest of our lives!!! (the better animators get to do just the key frames)RARR. RARR. ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!

cos you don't see me
and you don't need me
and you don't love me the way i wish you would.

aloha!
aloha aloha aloha!
i think aloha sounds nice and i keep sayin it in my smses. excuse me for a while! it'll go off, i'm sure.

well, i just rmbed how it's like to run. the dryness of your throat, the familiar ache in your chest, you *pantpantwhEEZpant*...
it all started when i literally jumped myself awake today aft my mind sent me the vague memory of ytd where my alarm rang at 9am, i switched it off, went back to sleep, and awoke at 2pm T_T thank God my slot for the animation room was at 5pm.

so yupp. i jumped awake; 9.44am. whew. much earlier than expected...and the good Clara in me went "Hey! You didnt run ytd like you were supposed to. Why don't you run today?"
(actually, it went more like "you MUST RUN TODAY. NOW NOW NOW. GET UR FATS OFF THE BED AND RUN!") ...yea. the good clara in me sounded so fierce i immediately went downstairs to run.........................
one round round my park T_T i am pathetic.
God help me! i am so unfit la. i only just reached the end of the park and i'm whEEEEzing alredy. my park isnt' very big, btw. oh, and i haven't used my sport shoes for such a long time they squeeked when i walked.(or were they just protesting abt my weight? i so prefer swimming T_T)..ok. i'm done talking. you ppl can start booing me already.

i'm melting. :s is that my finger in liquid form on the keyboard? :s

(and here's a note to kl since i can NEVER EVER TAG ON HIS TAGBOARD. RARR.
GET WELL SOON, YOU HEAR ME? RARR.)

2 Am and she calls me cause I'm still awake
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake
I don't love him and winter just wasn't my season.
Yea we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason.

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button girl
So just cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year
Here in town you can tell he's been down for while
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him but maybe I'll just sing about it

There's a light at the end of this tunnel
you shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made
You'll just make them again if you'll only try turnin' around

2Am and I'm still awake writing this song
If i get it all down on paper it's no lonmger inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.

But you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand...yeah breath
Just breathe

Breathe, by Anna Nalick.

sometimes, i don't know whether i shld live by myself (aka away from my parents) when i'm older. they're forever ever ever ever ever nagging at my messiness. how my papers are in the hall, living room, their room, my room. rarr.

then again, i think they'd be very sad if i moved out, and i think i'd be very sad too, cos that'll mean i'll have to eat outside food *_* and they've been ard since i pooped out of my mum's stomach, so living without them wld be like having a hse without walls. oddly empty. i tot abt all these last night, cos i was really fustrated at them (yes, i even said to my mum, "Ni men hen fan, eh." :( bcos they kept telling me to keep my papers, do this and that bla bla bla when i was very intent on doing my work)

and erm. even aft i said 'ni men hen fan'...my mum was still really nice to me (T_T which is kinda torturing cos it makes me feel very bad)*growlwhinesigh*

on a lighter note, the hse shld be mine for most of the day today!!! xD hur hur. and yea *_* i'm not goin church today. i'm worried abt my cd packaging cos i don't intend to do the normal plastic cd casing...but nobody's replying to where i can print on hard paper *_* so that the cd packaging looks professional. *sigh* i'm doing all these so this studio proj won't be as rushed as the previous one
...which i rmb me and aman still mounting our stuff at 4.59 when we're supposed to put our stuff in the room by 5.00.

oh. last night, i also tot abt God. i tot that 'hey. i don't really know who exactly you are, God.' so i asked Him to show himself to me through pictures. I wonder how He's going to show himself. would it take years for me to notice? for me to hear him say that certain pictures contain him? how? i hope i'm not too blind to see him soon.
i'm so curious and a little lost.

the curse of the thumbdrives(16/02)

i'm rather good at using final cut pro. and, no. it's not my ego problem. it's cos we (nana, aman, me)....we've done fcp from scratch for what?! 4 times?! (fiona's sitting beside me sayin, " FCP rocks man!" and aman says, "I never want to hear gollum again." ...they're just fighting for attention in my entries. hur hur~!)

why o why, u must wonder, wld we do our advertisment for pebble pet FOUR TIMES???
1. Our first version saved in fiona's thumbdrive was corrupted, corrupted, and corrupted.
2. We redid a second version, saved it in fiona's thumdrive, and that day itself her thumbdrive died.
3. We redid ANOTHER ONE ytd, saved it in aman's thumbdrive, then while we were converting it to a quicktime movie, her thumbie died.
4. And of cos, here we are doing another version. to be more accurate, we're waiting for it to be converted to a quicktime movie.

i tell u, the three of us must haf offended someone and that person prob cursed our thumbdrives or something T_T *wails*

cry your heart out (14/02)
on valentine's day T_T i cried like crazy.
...I Not Stupid Too is such a good movie~! Or at least, to a Singaporean heart like mine T_T
garr~! its so so good~! the movie makes u cry like crazy, and the nx minute, its damn funny, so i was crying, then laughing with tears still rolling down. haha. i love spending vday with nana & aman! sure beats spending it with any guy i currently know (=_= i don mean to offend any particular guy...just all the guys i noe in general)

The POP: Price Of Passion (everyday)
yes. i want my maid back. but...i haven been eating at home for almost 2 weeks now...T_T so i guess even if she's back it doesn't really make a difference. i don haf the time to go home to eat dinner. all my hse is good for now, is to provide some tv shows at night, gimme a bed to sleep, then bath, and before i know it, i'm outta my hse early in the morn.
"...the price of passion?" i think. then thinking again, this is nthin compared to the third yr animation students. they practically live in sch. they don't even go home at night. the greatest reward they'd have is seeing their animation drawing wows from ppl. i can't wait to see Heist. it's 2d characters on 3d bckgrd, and its damn gorgeous. gorgeous. gorgeous gorgeous.
the seniors made it with the aim of surpassing the awesome short film, 'bukit chandu'.
so me and amanda decided; we're gonna beat them both, and call our film 'bukit heist'.
HA! xD

smarties make you smart.

that's why i ate 4 packets of aman's smarties and i'm gonna buy more xD

no maid o_o! again!
and no. we didnt send her home this time. she wanted to go back to visit her dad o_o down with a stroke. she may be gone for like, 2 weeks... T_T i know it's selfish of me to want her here with me, but but but T_T studio project is coming up and i was thinking it'd be nice to have some home-cooked comfort food, which there probabaly won't be any now, since daddy's workin and no one's free to cook for me :(
*sniffle*

a few days ago, we had our briefing for our second studio project. it really sounds like madness. animate a clip of a jumping ricesack (with a storyline), come up with a packaging and literally do it like u're selling it, come up with a portfolio, and etc etc etc.
its all so mindboggling and we gotta do it in 3 weeks? *_* the worst part is we only got 2.5 hrs in the animation room everyday.
*sniffle*
and i haven been havin my soup for a few weeks now, other than the clam chowder i had with aman & nana at rafflescity. now that my maid's gone again, i foresee months without my homecooked soups :(

maybe !!! i cld barge into daniel's hse and demand for some home-cooked food. hahaha. ok. tat was so random, but i did dream of his mum serving me tons and tons of gorgeous food that had me waking up extremely hungry *_*

on tuesday ( ithinkitwastuesday ), we stayed back late to do our walk cycle animation, and i made aman (and eventually the rest of the ppl with us) do silly 'romantic' things with me while we were walking out of sch. like instead of walking our usual path across the corridor, i had them walk across the koi ponds via the stone slabs, and walk on the marble tiles in the fountain at the entrance of the poly. and of cos, look at the stars. we hardly get clear skies nowadays; makes my day when i see them *_*

when i reached chi garden mrt, i looked up again at the moon and stopped in my tracks for a while. then when i started walkin, i swallowed and realised i was salivating much more than usual.
o_o i guess the moon makes me hungry.
learn more abt my blue cheese!

pointy high heels kill.
see what they did to my poor little toe :( and to think i'm gonna wear them again on friday!!!...all cos miss nopp canceled class today and postponed it to friday...:'( my poor feet.
o well, its all good in a way that we can redo our pebble pet advert. rarr. something happened and alllllll the copies we have are corrupted. can't even open the damn things.

well, the day started off real good, i'd say! i just love 3dmax ^_^ so colorful (heh!) so user friendly so darn easy to learn. and i just can't get enuff of the teapots. they actually have teapots as basic polygons, beside the spheres, cubes and sorts. quirky x)

wasted the nx 3 hrs doing rubbish cos class got canceled, then T_T i had digi.imaging and i found out that my beloved thumbdrive IS SPOILT. WHYYYY OH WHYYYYYY T_T
now i have to go dig out my warranty card (if i havent already lost it) and find out where to get a replacement. & if my warranty's gone...i think i'll get an external harddrive? yea, its bulkier, but its so much more roomy! considering,considering...
...and i just have to say this again: manda, ur legs really look v long in black pants, from down here where i am, looking up o__o

well, at the end of the day...while i'm sitting here with my toes battered and worn...i still think that...

they're so darn cute xD lol

number of posts so far: 123!
haha. just tot it was a nice number to state.

my day started at 12 today, with a rather heavy heart. cos i bought fren 1's present and someone commented it was auntie looking (my heart shatters) and it was also a little faulty. soooo it meant i had to go back to bugis AGAIN (it wld be my third time in a week). rarr.

albeit all my reluctance, i went back in the end today. before that, i dropped by at aud's hse to pass her some clothes...cos i finally packed my cupboard! xD i decided i don't really want it to be in the messy state it was in. haha. so out came all sorts of clothes i'd forgotten i even had, and i decided to give aud some nicer ones that i didn't wear.
brought some oranges to her hse too, cos i noe her dad will be there...:p heh heh.(psst: he's v generous with his ang baos!...or maybe cos he knows i'm gonna marry in one day)

she knew i was gonna go back to change the present, and she went: "You're secretly hoping i'd go with you to bugis rite?"

"No." i said...then thinking again, my heart went "yea!" haha. so here i confess, aud. she went with me in the end :p
...and i bought another top. spending money like nuts nowadays o_o i must cooooontroool myself!

the list so far (in just a week):

collared white top
collared pink top
denim skirt
(good but short)maybelline eyeliner
2 presents
pearl necklace
3 earrings
a brown jumpsuit
leggings

T_T am i damn good at spending or what T_T

and aft packing my cupboard, i realise i have NINE pairs of jeans o_o, most bought, others passed down from my sis. and and and :( so little tops! HINT. start saving for my bday! hahahhaa. ok. tat's not a hint. it's a command. muahhahaha!

and my wishlist grows.

it's like that a lot of times =_=

my parents cook up a feast for guests (like how they're preparing for dinner now) and for my lunch, there's nothing to eat, save for a single slice of bread....
the slice at the end of the loaf (i don't like eating that slice)...and no cheese, a drop of jam and yucky maggi mee chicken flavor.

why? :(